- Tech Support: "May I ask what operating system you are running today?"
- Customer: "A computer."
A girl walked into the computer center where I work. She said she was having problems with her Mac. I asked what kind of Mac she had. In an indignant voice, she replied, "Duh, Intosh."
- Tech Support: "What operating system are you running? Windows 95?"
- Customer: (a little too excited) "95, 97, 98, I've got them all!"
- Tech Support: "What version of Windows are you running?"
- Customer: "I got the computer in 2003, so I think it's a Windows 2003. Or maybe it's a Windows 2004? I got it late in the year."
- Tech Support: "Um, ok."
- Customer: "Is that wrong?"
- Tech Support: "No, no, that sounds about right. Tell me, would you know what service pack you have for that?"
- Customer: "Well, when I got to the register, the young man who rang me up said was about the 5th person to buy it. So it might be service pack 5."
- Tech Support: "Do you know what operating system you're on?"
- Customer: "Hmmm...what would be a good answer?"
- Customer: "I don't use DOS. What would happen if I deleted that directory?"
One time I had to walk a Windows 95 user through a particular procedure.
- Me: "First you need to open DOS-prompt. I'll guide you--"
- Customer: "MY COMPUTER DOES NOT HAVE DOS! YOU THINK I RUN THAT ANCIENT SOFTWARE?" (click)
- My Friend: "I just installed Windows 98."
- Me: "Cool. But...it's 2001. Why not Windows 2000 or wait for XP to come out?"
- My Friend: "Oh, 98 is more easily hacked, so I want it."
- Me: "You want to get hacked?"
- My Friend: "Yes! Wouldn't you?"
- Me: "No...."
- My Friend: "When you get hacked you get a lot of money! That's a good thing!"
- Me: "???"
- My Friend: "What's your operating system?"
- Me: "Linux."
- My Friend: "You better uninstall it!"
- Me: "Why?"
- My Friend: "The government uses Linux to look through your computer and see your every move. They use it as a security camera into your world."
- Me: "Sure...."
- Friend: "I heard about this thing called 'Linux'."
- Me: "Oh, I use Linux."
- Friend: "What is it?"
- Me: "An operating system."
- Friend: "Like Firefox?"
- Friend: "Does Windows 98 support Linux?"
- Customer: "Do you sell Mac OS X for Windows?"
Overheard in a classroom:
- Student: "How much do Windows cost, and do you have to buy each one separately?"
- Customer: "How much do Windows cost?"
- Tech Support: "Windows costs about $100."
- Customer: "Oh, that's kind of expensive. Can I buy just one window?"
- Friend: "Hey, cool Mac! Does it have Windows!?"
- Me: (incredulous stare)
- Friend: "Oh, wait, that was stupid. All Macs have Windows."
- Customer: (angrily) "You said I would get 98 windows with this computer. Where are they?"
- Tech Support: "What version of Windows do you have installed?"
- Customer: "... Double glazed."
A customer called in with modem problems.
- Tech Support: "Ok, we're going to check your modem settings. First thing we need to do is make sure all programs are closed."
- Customer: "How do I know if everything is closed?"
- Me: "Make sure all windows are closed."
- Customer: "But...I'm in the basement. I don't have any windows here."
I can't even count how many people I argue with about this, yet they insist there is an operating system call "Windows 95 NT."
One day I got a call toward the end of the day from a sales rep in Chicago who couldn't get his computer to boot up. We went round and round for about two hours -- nothing worked. I was ready to pull my hair out, but I don't like losing. To lighten the tension of the moment, I started chitchatting with him as we're waiting to see if the machine will restart. He has an IBM ThinkPad, and I told him how much I like mine.
- Him: "Yeah, they're ok, but I travel a lot, and I got tired of the darn thing being so heavy, so I installed Windows CE to make it lighter."
- Me: "Do you know what the registry is?"
- Friend: "Oh, yes. I take the registry apart and put it back together all the time."
I was calling to sign up with a new DSL provider. When the guy asked what operating system I was using, I said, "Linux." I was put on hold for five minutes, and then a supervisor came back and told me, "You can't use Linux to connect to the Internet. It's a hacker tool, anyway." I almost fell out of my chair.
In about 1993, Cambridge University had a few rooms of 486s, for use by members of the University. You could get into the rooms at any time of day if you had a key, and the site security would walk around every hour or so at night.
One policy, introduced after a few too many noisy games of network Doom, was that playing games wasn't allowed. One evening, however, I saw someone using eXceed (an X-Windows server for Microsoft Windows) to run Motif. Apparently he was doing something on one of the UNIX machines over the network. The security guard came up behind him, and the conversation went something like this:
- Security Guard: "Could you stop that -- you're not allowed to play games in here."
- Student: "This isn't a game."
- Security Guard: "You can't fool me. That's not work."
- Student: "Yes, it is. I'm a computer science student -- I've got a deadline later this week."
- Security Guard: "That doesn't look like work to me. I'm going to have to ask you to leave."
- Student: "What? I'm working. I'm working quietly. Why do I have to leave?"
- Security Guard: "You're playing a game, and you're lying to me. Out. Now. Before I turn this machine off."
Overheard in a software shop:
- Woman #1: "What this Linux thing?"
- Woman #2: "It's a program that if you have it on your computer, you can't turn the computer off."
- Woman #1: "Oh."
Last year, the temp agency I was working for was arranging a contract for me, and some additional "computer skills" tests were necessary. The branch manager asked what kind of computer I was comfortable with. I said, "Windows PC," although I had used several others. She cut in right then and asked, "Word or Excel?"
- Customer: "I installed Windows 98 on my computer, and it doesn't work."
- Tech Support: "Ok, what happens when you turn on your computer?"
- Customer: "Boy, are you listening? I said it doesn't work."
- Tech Support: "Well, what happens when you TRY to turn it on?"
- Customer: "Look, I'm not a computer person. Talk regular English, not this computer talk, ok?"
- Tech Support: "Ok, let's assume your computer is turned off, and you just sat down in front of it, and want to use it. What do you do?"
- Customer: "Don't talk like I'm stupid, boy. I turn it on."
- Tech Support: "And then what happens?"
- Customer: "What do you mean?"
- Tech Support: "Does anything appear on your monitor? I mean, the TV part."
- Customer: "The same thing I saw last time I tried."
- Tech Support: "And that is what?"
- Customer: "Are you sure you know what you're doing?"
- Tech Support: "Yes, sir. What is on your screen?"
- Customer: "A bunch of little pictures."
- Tech Support: "Ok, in the upper left corner, do you see 'My Computer'."
- Customer: "No, all I see is that little red circle thing with the chunk out of it."
- Tech Support: "You mean an apple?"
- Customer: "I guess it kind of looks like an apple."
Two night forepersons at our company were discussing our new computer network after just having been to a brief orientation session. One of them wanted to know what "windows" were, so I explained. Just as she seemed to be catching on to the concept, the other foreperson piped up. "Well that's great, because we have ninety-five windows on there!"
- Tech Support: "Do you have any windows open right now?"
- Customer: "Are you crazy woman, it's twenty below outside..."
- Co-Worker: "What version of DOS does UNIX run?"
- Tech Support: "How can I help you?"
- Customer: "Well, everything is working fine, but there is one program that is not."
- Tech Support: "What program is it?"
- Customer: "It's called 'MSDOS Prompt'."
- Tech Support: "What's wrong with it?"
- Customer: "Well, I click on it, a black screen shows up with NOTHING but a sign that reads: 'C:\WINDOWS>', and it just sits there and doesn't do anything. I have to turn off the system to go back to Windows."
For my work-study job, I work tech support at a small college. One night I was working Help Desk and the phone rings. I pick it up to have a student telling me she can't get the computer to work.
- Me: "What operating system are you running?"
- Student: "Hunh?"
- Me: "Do you have a Mac or a PC?"
- Student: "Um, I don't know."
- Me: "Ok. What does the screen look like?"
- Student: "It's yellow."
- Me: "Ok. What does it say on the computer CPU?"
- Student: "What's that?"
- Me: "The big grey box."
- Student: "It doesn't say anything."
- Me: "Never mind that...do you have a little 'Start' button at the bottom of the monitor?"
- Student: "Monitor?"
- Me: "The thing that looks like a TV sceen sitting on the grey box."
- Student: "Oh! That! No. No start button."
- Me: "Ok. Is there a little apple symbol anywhere on the screen?"
- Student: (very puzzled) "Why would I have fruit on my computer?"
